Four Condensed Letters to a Friend

                                                                         I

I'm excited... Let me tell you. You may have noticed some 'silencing' in me the last months. I have been publicly withdrawing, for reasons beyond my knowledge. All I know was that I felt I had little to share. The words could not connect into transferable language. I wasn't done with writing but I felt I should be writing “other” things, and didn't know what.

Lately, an idea took shape: a new blog! A blog with a single theme: the final solution for my former workplace. An autopsy. My many memories, current thoughts & feelings, loose inspired visions, all that. Dark! Not just the classic and petty everyday hatefulness, but instead a magnificent Inspired Malice! Writing within the defined structure of one topic would do me good, I felt. Furthermore, I thought that, with this writing, I could get rid of some of the worst hatred I have for the place, its dwellers and myself. All this by disclosing scandals and burn the façade of decency down to the ground, to scratch off the veneer of decorum to expose the bedrock of obscenity. And then to try and combine it with the most wonderful types of comedy, poetic wanderings, thoughts and a celebration of personality and language. A High Mass of spite if you will, a dark & decadent play with individuality.

I can see it all before me... there will be straightforward shame & scandal, shocking accusations, all interspersed with pieces of free poetic rambling. Some sadness. The end product will be a Moby Dick of a blog... the story of sabotage, failure, boredom, stupidity, selfishness, coping, salvation... the human comedy. And best of all: the opportunity for me to start writing again, real writing, like E.T. the Extra-terrestrial on his little bike zooming past the moon! Writing with cause & vigour.

For a title, I chose "Apocrief". I guess it translates as "Apocryphal" which sounds more like an adjective while my title is completely noun-like.

 

                                                                         II

Yes, yes… you are right and you are wonderful in all kinds of ways. Let it be stated and let it be heard! And I am too obsessed with the work-thing, which I shouldn't be. It’s a prison. However, in my mind, it's not a job thing: it's an injustice thing that has attached itself on my uvula and it irritates the hell out of me. I can't get rid of it. Perhaps by this writing, I thought; by turning it all into a macabre circus. But you're right in saying it is too dark... so right... and mucho brave for telling it to me straight.

I hoped to turn the new blog into a stairway to writing heaven... to start off with dark and sinister hatefulness and public shaming. And to end with pure, ethereal, love-filled detachment. To write myself away from the anger... and to roll in the dust laughing.

                                                                          

 

                                                                            III

My stories are beginning to crumble before me right away... The evil side of me isn't big enough en the person in me wanting to sing & dance is taking over... So even if I wanted, I could not write that beautifully dark and hateful blog. Shame, isn't it?

                                                                            IV

I don't know if I’m cured as you seem to think... I wanted (and still want) to write as from another personality. A poète maudit, a doomed poet... One who has given up on society. And a completely ruthless man. I wanted to stage a beautiful extravagant show, a sinister act of play ruthlessness. But my personality will not let me... I'm am a doomed poet!

Today I applied for a job as a chamber maid.